Ladies and lizards of the Dragon community:
Breathe fire.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, flaming would be it.
The long term benefits of flaming have been demonstrated against knights,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
schizophrenic experience.
I will dispense this advice when you send me a cheque.
Oh, all right.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your body.
Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your body
until some wizard has turned you into a greggil.
But trust me, after 20 years, you'll look back at yourself holding whole
kingdoms to ransom, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much food
you ate and how fabulous it truly was.
You are not as smart as you imagine.
Don't worry about where the hobbits keep coming from.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to squeeze the
last few gems from a reluctant dwarf.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your mind, like the unexpected appearance of a knight during a drunken
rampage.
Eat anything that tries to scare you.
Heat it first.
Don't be reckless with other people's magic; don't put up with people who
want to steal yours. And afterwards -
Floss.
Don't lose track of your identity.
You have scales on your head, and a great big pair of wings;
you're long, and you end in a tail.
Remember compliments you receive, eat anyone who insults you.
If you don't succeed in doing this, you're in trouble.
Keep the real gems - throw away the glass.
Hoard gold.
Don't feel guilty if you end up ruining someone else's life.
The most interesting dragons I know are always ruining others' lives.
Some of the greatest legends made a career of it.
Eat plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your friends; you'll need them when you get hungry.
Maybe you'll hoard, maybe you won't,
Maybe you'll burn towns down, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get killed at 40, maybe you'll dance the Funky Lizard on your 75th Knight.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Remember, a dragon is SUPPOSED to do this sort of thing.
Deploy your body.
Use it every way you can.
Hit them with your wings, knock them over with your tail.
Above all else - Flame.
Never mind the forests.
Read the signposts, even if you'd rather eat them.
Do not listen to the greggils, they - will - only - make - you - feel --angry--
Get to know your treasures.
You never know when someone will snatch a piece.
Be nice to your hatchlings.
They are your best link to your mate and likely to grow up very big.
Understand that food comes and goes,
except for a nice fat calf, which lasts for ages.
Work hard to figure the geography and herd movements, for the older you
get, the less you'll appreciate a long hunt.
Live in the forest once, but leave before you burn it down.
Live in the mountains once, but leave before you eat everything.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: mates will rise, hobbits will steal,
you too will get old, and when you do,
you'll fantasize that when you were young, mates were reasonable, hobbits
were tasty and lizards respected their elders.
Respect money.
Don't expect anyone else to feed you.
Except in the obvious sense.
Maybe you'll find a herd, maybe you'll raid a noble house:
but you never know when either one will run off.
Don't mess too much with your scales or by the time you're two thousand
they will look dusty.
Be careful whose advice you steal, but be patient if it takes a while to
steal it. Doing so is a way of fishing a trout from the pond, munching it
up, and then wondering if it didn't take more time than it was worth.
Don't trust me - I'm a dragon.